Saw an entry on LJ's blog and decided to pen some tots about it.

I guess everyone would've once stopped and had the thought about death flashing across their mind at some point in time.

Some fears it. some accepts it as a part of life. some simply don't think about it.

I ever had an ex-colleague who don't really wish to live that long. perhaps dying at 50 would be good, she said.

since young i've always quite rejected the thought of death.
since having no religion to truly rely on to entrust my beliefs in, I'm therefore not certain about the true existance of afterlife, reincarnation, heaven vs. hell etc. i don't rule out possibilities of their existance, but i'm too realistic to accept it 100%. Therefore, I'm also unable to put faith onto something i'm uncertain of and to believe that death is some sort of deliverance from anything. perhaps i love living too much.

then i had another ex-colleague who sort of insisted i have to believe in something. either there's afterlife or there isn't. i sorta refuse to give an answer not that i'm in doubt just that i don't see the need to MUST have an answer nor the benefit of it. perhaps it gives her the peace of mind once having an answer. to me the answer does not give me solace. unless u tell me in my afterlife, i get to have my parents back as my parents, wilson back as my bf and husband, sano back as my best friend and every other friend i treasure back to what they are to me then, OK, i chose to believe. if not.. what's the significance of that inner decision? is it even up to us to decide? you won't know until you're dead so why bother to search for that answer?

when i was young i often dwell on the thought about death.
not the pain nor the horror. the only reason i fear death is to fear loss. my fear of loss is the basic motivation behind why i'm so protective of everything i have or people i love and know and death is the one enemy i face that'll strip me from all of it.

lying on my bed in a room filled with darkness my thoughts would wander endlessly and i'll find myself in tears from the pang of loss i feel when i think about the consequences a death may lead to. i can no longer be with the people i love. i can no longer do what i want. i can no longer live and breathe and see the colours of life. will others soon forget about me? even if those close ones remembered me it wouldn't be always. i'll soon be shelved aside at the back of the memories. years down the road when these people who remembers me dies, who else would know about me? and i'll cease to exist except to have a data in our govt's statistical records proving my existence. ever since then i no longer sleep in darkness. my lights are always switched on. that went on for years.

amusingly when i was a kid and with my fear of death and loss, i wondered what'll happen to my comics books. will my mom thrash it? if i gave it away will anyone still read it? will it be in good condition? i don't wanna burn it. mebbe i should bury it with me.

lol

thoughts of a kid who fears death.

i probably wouldn't be the kind who would think that i'll rather live a shorter yet more fulfilling life than a long one that's full of illness and regrets. not that it's not ideal or the model life but i probably won't go think about it. i simply want to live.

so i'm the least likely person to commit suicide. so right, if i suddenly u-noe-what, unless it's bcos of old age or something, must be murder. O_o

when i was a kid i thought, i wan to live forever and ever and hit mebbe 10,000 years old or something. but then soon i realised that's not possible and human at most live up to 70years old and that's a long life already. i was quite devastated to know that as a fact.

then ever since i found my reason to live right, i made sure i live with integrity and not allow myself the chance to have regrets for my actions. i then constantly reminded myself about the consequences of my decision and made sure i'm fully certain about what i'm doing before i do it. that could be tiring sometimes.

then when i found another reason to live a long life was when i met wilson and i wanted to just walk my lifetime with him by my side. this time i chose to run away from the thought about death. the thought of any one of us leaving first was unbearable and would often bring tears to my eyes.

then i once watched a footage on tv - an interview with S.H.E and ella made this remark. about any one of the 3 girls dying and they forgot about it for a moment and was still in the mindset that the one who left was in fact alive and went to her room to open the door but soon after the door knob turned and the door opened, wad embraced them were just a pang of emptiness and fact that "she" has truly departed. then all 3 girls started crying. guess it was unbearable for them too.

breaking up or losing a relationship is not as dire as death. it's line a thin line that once snaps, one disappears from the face of the earth. that's pretty scary to me. i can never comprehend the impact of it. when steve irwin died i had a hard time swallowing that piece of news.

then i childishly told wilson i wan him to live until 100 years old or if he die first i'll die with him. mebbe i'll will myself to death or something then my heart will stop. O_o u noe what? i'm serious about this thought even if it sounds unlike me or stupid. mebbe i'm that paranoid. then i was chided for being silly of course. i had to look after the cow juniors and junior's juniors.

oh well.